Tuesday, October 27th
Left: My neighbor’s sheltie, Katy.
Per usual, this semester is flying by. Between teaching two classes for the first time, applying to jobs, really engaging in the writing process for my dissertation chapters, and trying to have a somewhat normal work-life balance, there’s been little free time to spare. I also have been sitting on a rejected article for about a month now and I need to continue to work on it, but I’m attending my second NASSS conference next week, and that takes priority at the moment.
For all that I imagined, teaching two classes is not as terrible as I thought it would be; I am teaching Methods for the fourth or fifth time now, and can teach most days in my sleep. The other course, Sociology of Sport, was really fun to design, and it requires more heavy lifting, but luckily, this is my second time teaching it. If I’ve learned anything this semester, it’s that I could have accomplished much more in terms of research over the past two years teaching one course per semester, but like everything, I know deep down that I wasn’t “wasting time” per se, just dedicating my time to being the best instructor I can be.
The dissertation, on the other hand… well, that’s a work in progress. I’ve told myself that I’ll have a draft by the end of the semester, although at this point, it’s looking like the end of the calendar year. I’m also at the point where I have written so much about the same topic over the past 4+ years that I keep forgetting what I’ve written that might be useful, and trying to write individual chapters without starting at the beginning has me somewhat spinning in circles. Not to mention that it’s hard to determine when qualitative data analysis is done, unlike a regression model with a neat little bow and clear conclusions; I often find myself getting sidetracked and wondering if I’ve even done “enough” analysis. I’m tired and want to be done with this topic, yet at the same time, I must keep pressing forward, because this research still matters.
I spoke at the orientation course for the first-year PhD students in our department earlier this semester, and it all seems like a distant memory for me now. Of course, it wasn’t all that long ago that I began this journey myself as a bright-eyed, newly 22-year-old, but I could write a novel about what I’ve learned since, both from a textbook and about life musings in general. At the end of our panel sharing advice, one question we were asked by the first-years is how do we manage work-life balance and stop beating ourselves up for not getting everything done. I’m not sure about how it would be in industry or a typical 9-5, but upon reflection, I realized that for me, the reality is that throughout grad school, I’ve gotten better at deciphering what really matters and what doesn’t. At the same time, I could also say that I’ve just learned to live with a subtle anxiety that things are constantly half-finished and there’s always *something else* that could be done.
Of course, none of this is to say that the standards in academia are healthy, and I hope to be part of the generation that shifts toxic academic culture (though, with the current state of higher education and the future constantly in flux, there is no guarantee there). Navigating this abysmal job market has been a humbling experience, as I realize how unqualified I am in so many ways for the very few jobs available. Hearing faculty talk about how they applied to 20, 30, 50, or even hundreds of jobs before finding the right fit while I have applied to precisely *8* jobs so far, it’s all I can do to keep my head up and trust the process.
-AZP
