9.21.21
I’m not sure who will read this, but just to be safe, I’ll keep it purposefully vague. The past couple of days in the department have been a whirlwind of emotions, as one of the long-tenured faculty members passed away unexpectedly.
While I am only just beginning my tenure here, it is already under unusual circumstances during Covid, and now this. I find myself not so much grieving as I am experiencing an all-too-common existential crisis about living and the meaning of life. I took time yesterday to call my elderly relatives, including my father, and I also am unpacking what it means to be a graduate student.
Do I really want to challenge academia? Can I be successful and more happy in another industry, or elsewhere?
These are some of the questions I find myself considering just weeks into my PhD program. One of the biggest challenges for me has been having too much “extra time” on my hands. I was a varsity athlete during my undergraduate career, but now I live off-campus, and only really have to be on campus for a couple hours per day. Coupled with some ADHD and we’ve got ourselves a recipe for unproductivity. Yet I remind myself that productivity is not everything; although I am settled into a routine, I think about the fact that assignments, and busy times during the semester, ebb and flow. There is no pressure for me to be at my best self 110% of the time, yet I feel this internal pressure to do well. Perhaps trying to accelerate my comps may be one way for me to feel more productive. We’ll see.
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